You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
