My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
