I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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