Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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