remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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