Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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