The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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