I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry my hands just texted you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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