from now on my penis is your penis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
