Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
