Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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