the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
