Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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