Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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