My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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