Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
