If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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