at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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