Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
