I'm going to rape someone's good day.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
His hands were made for my vagina.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
