Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wish there were birth control emojis
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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