so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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