I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
