I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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