I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
