i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
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