I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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