Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My bed smells like the plague
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
