this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize