Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
