apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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