I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
