dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
