Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
