my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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