Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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