We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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