If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
