Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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