You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize