At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
