just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
