Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
ok first of all what the fuck
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
