No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
