I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I looked at my own cervix.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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