i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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