Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
