I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Pants are for mortals
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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