A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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