Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
