I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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