I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
