They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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