mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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