I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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