apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
