Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
50% drunk capacity currently
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
