i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
