I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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