dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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