I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
