Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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