my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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