I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
