He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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