the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He kissed a someone with a penis
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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